I didn't go around wishing people Happy New Year.

I didn't reply some wishings that were sent to me through sms-es or msn-es.

I didn't set any new year resolutions for the Year 2010.


To me, it's just a step over from the Year 2009 to 2010.
It's not an end to my life. Neither it is a new beginning.
There is no difference when the clock ticked from 31 December 2009 to 1 January 2010.
Just like how the clock ticked from 30 December 2009 to 31 December 2009.
And also from 1 January 2010 to 2 January 2010.
In short, nothing really changes.


I really wonder what is the big deal of a new year now. We cannot predict what will happen in the new year. Things do not just change in the lapse of a split second from a change into the new year. People who were talking to me 10 days ago are still talking to me today, and I'm sure we'll continue to talk to each other in the next 10 days. It will never change the fact that a fall apart relationship will be placed back just because it is a new year.

I will still remember the things I'm unhappy about last year. As much as I wish my bad thoughts from the past year would be erased away from my memory in the past year, I guess it did not happen. Some things still remain unsolved. Some things might have changed.

To be honest, until now, I still doubt myself in trying to believe things would be better in certain aspects. I don't know why I have this fear, something that I wish I can get rid of. I'm not blaming you or anything, Ivalyn. But that post really struck me hard. No matter how much you may apologise, or how much I know it wasn't an intentional thing from you, I guess it is me who cannot overcome this mental obstacle ultimately. I begin to doubt myself really much. I didn't have much confidence in the first place, even if I appeared to be very confident in the things I do. I used to have great support from others, including trust that I needed, to boost that teeny weeny confidence of mine to believe I can do it. As time passes, I'm sure you also know that people around me have changed. Be it for selfish reasons, or be it for protecting themselves from conflicts, everything is not the same as what I have seen in the past anymore. There are so many things I know, I wished I didn't have to know. How some people can be friendly to one another, but once that person leaves our sight, the other person start telling me how hypocritical that person was to her just now. At least I still see my hope in you. Someone who has never changed despite everything.

Truthfully, my thought has been much shakened since last August. I was quite determined to leave very soon. It is not easy to stay in a place that had created much unhappiness for me. It is very easy to say I wanted to leave, because I do not have much sense of belonging left anymore. But I know you wouldn't leave everything behind, leaving thinking what otherwise is what we have once built together. It would be a pity right? I guess my sense tells me everything is different already, nothing left was what I wanted previously. I wanted you not to leave everything, but leave the ironic part of that aspect, and be as normal as before the time you know me. When I knew my hints weren't strong enough to make you leave as well, I knew I had to stay on. I feel responsible for who we are today. I really didn't want to re-build everything, partly because I was very tired of everything. Partly because I do not want to be disappointed all over again.

Another thing I would like to say is, I don't know if she still reads my blog, but I will still write it here. Maybe whatever I wrote in that email, it was only half the truth. The other half of the truth, is something I have never said before, as I feel that it is going to hurt some of you because of my own feelings. I want to be selfish for once, be it because I really want to be selfish, or be it I really still care. To Celeste. The other half of the truth is, perhaps I am jealous how close you have gotten with Ivalyn, which makes me feel unwanted in the friendship. I cannot blame Ivalyn or you for being so close for it was me who brought the 2 of you together. I didn't mind how close you were to Ivalyn, because it is your choice to decide how close you want to be, and who you want to be with. But I wasn't very happy because after you knew Ivalyn for some time, you really distanced from me. We used to talk about many things besides JJ, that made us so close. After you knew her, you confided in her for almost everything instead of me. Maybe Ivalyn is easier to talk to and she may give you greater response that you want than me. After a while, our conversation topic really become solely JJ, JJ, and JJ. I really hated the new friendship that we had created. You weren't the Celeste I knew previously anymore. If you remembered, I once told you how I had that strong feeling about me & Alicia's friendship won't last, and in the end we really quarrelled? Previously, I really did not have that same feeling for so long. Until that period of time. I guessed my feelings is like a natural disastor itself. It would be all sorts of calmness before the storm really arrives. I tend to hide my emotions so much I let them accumulate. But once it all comes together, it means an explosion in emotions that couldn't be controlled anymore. I didn't really want to say all this previously, because I was afraid that Ivalyn would blame herself for interrupting into our friendship or whatever. But really, it has nothing to do with Ivalyn at all, but how I feel abandoned in your friendship after you have a new person to confide with. I swear I have never intended to change your thinking because of me at all. But at the same time, I'm sure the same applies to me. Seeing how close Ivalyn & you are right now, I'm very glad and I have no more fears in saying all this anymore.