let those thoughts run wild

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things recently. Really get myself into thinking deeply. What if some things happened or didn’t happen in the past? Would situations be different now? I know we can’t change the past, but I truly miss some good memories I had, and wished some bad memories didn’t happen at all. Oh well… Life still goes on. I have been trying to look at things in different ways I didn’t manage to see them in the past. I feel much better thinking that way.

I enlightened myself during the msn conversation with Ivalyn just now. We were practically baring our hearts out to each other. I sort of understand why I’m unable to overcome myself for certain areas, which is perhaps why the mental barrier is always there to limit my capabilities.

I know I am capable of doing much more than what I have done so far. I am told in the same way as well that I can do it. We know I am able to do it. Nevertheless, there is something I always can’t explain that restricts me from advancing. What exactly stops me from extending my capabilities to greater heights? I guess I know the answer now. It’s not all about telling me, “I believe you can do it” all the time. It’s more about how I was never seen to be better in a certain way which I’ve, in actual fact, surpassed that area already. This has indirectly led me to subconsciously think I can never be better in that certain way. Since I can never be better, I won’t stretch myself to do more than what I should have done. It’s the way how I feel discouraged that the critical factor is not being seen in me. In such a way, I can never convince myself to overcome that barrier and bring myself to doing more of what I’m capable of. Unless one day, she can see it in me.

Sometimes, it is not important how many people appreciate you or how these people appreciate your efforts. It does not matter whether you get recognized for the things you have done. It is just one critical person who is supposed to recognize your efforts fully, and you cannot feel it completely. It just totally brings your moral down and disheartens you.

I guess there isn’t “who is right” or “who is wrong” here. Some things do not happen in the way we want them to happen anyway. We have to accept them along the way, changing our paths for the better if we could. The question is, who is going to make the first move? =D