Have been awake for half an hour. Couldn't get back to sleep. I know I should. Expecting a long & tiring day ahead.

Thinking what I was doing just before I went to sleep. I remember telling Ivalyn & Celeste I was feeling sleepy. I remember I struggled to keep myself awake, because I want to complete that post with everyone's message. I did. but with super mixed feelings. Keep asking myself why I am doing all this.

I know this is serious this time. How hard I really fall this time. I know I have a bad habit of feeling wanting to sleep whenever something bad happen. A form that my subconscious mind want to escape from the reality & just sleep through, thinking that the problem will be gone when I wake up once again. However, I'm actually wide awake right now. I guess it's a sign to tell me, it's time to face the bare truth & take action.

How stupid to force a smile on my face. Usually it works. But now, everyone can see it all over my face. So many people were telling me, don't think too much ok. I wish I can. I'm trying to. Feeling a bit dumb because I always fail to do so. What a terrible feeling.

I recall the phone call last night. I was actually comforting her not to cry. So dumb. All I could say is, don't cry. Really, don't cry. Pauses of silence in between. I know how terrible both of us felt. We really want to change the situation badly. I kept telling myself I cannot cry. I won't cry. I must hang on there. Now I feel so stupid. My eyes were wet when I woke up just now.

I feel so bad that I'm so distracted. I'm supposed to be concentrating on camp trials these few weeks, but I'm actually not paying attention much ever since I heard that news. And I guess I force Terence decide everything for me. When it's supposed to be both of us. But he seems like doing all the workload we're supposed to share. I feel so irritated by my own behaviour. I wonder how he tolerates me. Other FKCs are so nice to their MKCs. Except me.

I feel so selfish being so affected. One moment, I was so happily starting work with both of them last weekend. This moment, I'm actually stopping all the work we've done. Is it going to be period? I don't even know. I feel so terrible as a leader. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Perhaps I've just thrown their excitment & hope all into the drain just because I dun feel like it doing it anymore. All just because of me. What a lousy idiot!

Will we even have the chance to say what we want to say? Can we salvage what we want to in time?