Just what is happening to me? Where's the fighting spirit I used to have? Where has all my motivation gone to? The me that I know now is someone who might just break down anytime. Someone who get so emotional out of the blue. I don't recognize myself anymore.

I used to love going to school so much. I used to enjoy the learning process in lectures, except tests and exams. Now, I totally dread going to school. Going for lectures is no longer something that I look forward to anymore. Stress and peer pressure surround me all the time. I ask myself, haven't I work hard enough? Haven't I try my best? I study much harder than I used to in SP, but my grades are totally depressing instead. Where's the motivation to study at all? And I get frustrated easily when I can't solve my assignments. I know there's a lot of people helping me out there. That's when I get more stressful. It seems to come to them so easily, yet I spend so much time trying to solve the problems, even with the help from others. I know I should just do my best and not compete with others. However, I can't help it when the school has to rank & grade us according to the bell curve. It just makes me feel that, no matter how well I did, if more people do better than me, I will still be averaged out or getting a lower grade than I deserve. I feel even worse when most people does so much better than me and all I did was really borderline pass.

That's also the reason I hate people telling me to work hard. Although I've never shown it, but I really hate it. I understand that these people are concerned and meant well. It's just like I'm working hard, but it's just that my results don't show it. I just hate it when people tell me, "You can do it!" Whenever I hear this, all I can think of is, "I wish I could." It's very depressing to hear something so motivating, yet I can't live up to expectation. I know I should aim to get at least a Third Lower Honours. How I wish people should stop mentioning it to me! It's like I know it's one thing that I should aim for, but whether if I can achieve it is still a doubt. Repeated mentions about it just make me feel irritated because it's still my soft spot that I have higher chance not achieving it at all. If I can do it, of course I will. Who doesn't want to achieve better grades?

Maybe, that is also why I tend to show my emotions more frequently nowadays. One moment, I can be happily talking to you. The next moment, I might just ignore you. I don't know what is happening to me, but I just can't help to let my emotions flow. I don't like it myself either. But I just need to let out my feelings somehow.

I wish I can be as happy as I used to be. But I know I can't.